"what is one to do when the only thing that brings reprieve from desperation causes even more in the end? logically, i suppose it would be better to endure the initial level of desperation for an entire lifetime than to increase the level for short glimpses of life without it. but the thought of an entire lifetime devoid of any enjoyment is the one thing i fear most in this world. if i'm destined to suffer, i might as well have moments of relief along the way to make the suffering worth enduring."
this is how i think much of the time. i guess the fallacy to begin with is that i am indeed destined to suffer for an entire lifetime. people always tell me that it won't always be like that. but i often feel that's like telling someone who's been blind from birth that someday they'll see. they've been given no reason to think that they'll ever gain the use of their eyes. had their blindness been interrupted by short spurts of sight throughout life, then they'd have reason to hope that someday their sight might return for good. but a life of sustained blindness leads one to believe that it's their reality and destiny, and they start to find ways to cope with it.
my problem is that the most effective coping mechanism i've found for my desperation happens to be extremely destructive. i'll be strong for a while, choosing to avoid self-destruction, but it seems i eventually come to a place where the destruction seems worth it for just a short reprieve. i wish i didn't experience this cycle, but it's yet another reality i've been forced to acknowledge. i hope that after it's all said and done that whatever i end up choosing is worth it.
this is how i think much of the time. i guess the fallacy to begin with is that i am indeed destined to suffer for an entire lifetime. people always tell me that it won't always be like that. but i often feel that's like telling someone who's been blind from birth that someday they'll see. they've been given no reason to think that they'll ever gain the use of their eyes. had their blindness been interrupted by short spurts of sight throughout life, then they'd have reason to hope that someday their sight might return for good. but a life of sustained blindness leads one to believe that it's their reality and destiny, and they start to find ways to cope with it.
my problem is that the most effective coping mechanism i've found for my desperation happens to be extremely destructive. i'll be strong for a while, choosing to avoid self-destruction, but it seems i eventually come to a place where the destruction seems worth it for just a short reprieve. i wish i didn't experience this cycle, but it's yet another reality i've been forced to acknowledge. i hope that after it's all said and done that whatever i end up choosing is worth it.
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